Friday, April 27, 2007

Event 2 in Hui En's Book Of Events for 2007

My eulogy. I know, it's been 4 months since then. I haven't thought much about all this. People may think that I seem to be fine. Yea, I am. It's in the like of 'forgiven but not forgotten'. In this case, 'moved on but not forgotten'.

I was going about life as normal, going downstairs for my lunch. I paused as I saw some papers on the fridge, it was little recipes for simple things that my mum had written down, like her 'recipe' for dying her hair, or her recipe for fruit juices in the morning. I thought to myself, I miss seeing her cursive handwriting. And that triggered a whole lot of I miss'.

I miss seeing any simple notes that I would find on the dining table when I come back from school to a empty house saying, "Gone out to get some stuff from Tesco, be back soon. Love you, mum" or "Having a meeting with the ladies at so and so's house".

I miss seeing her when I come home from school, I would call out, "mum!!" and she would reply, "yes? I'm upstairs" or I would see her in the kitchen cooking.

I miss seeing her do the laundry in front of the tv either watching her favourite korean drama, or some hokkien drama when I come home.

I miss going upstairs in the afternoon to a cool room after a tough day at school, see her sitting by her bed doing her accounts or writing in her diary and I can just sit down next to her and say, "hi mum, wooah, my day was like...." Or I could just lie down on her lap, carefully of course, because she would often say, "eh, my thigh doesn't have much flesh, you can break my bone" and just say mum, could you stroke my hair(it calms me down)?

I miss having her there when I feel frustrated when I'm having problems with my friends, and I just need someone to listen to me, "mum, could you not say anything, and just be that listening ear?" and she would do just that, and when I'm finished, she would often give me some advice, and it normally works.

I miss her being around when I'm sick. Like when I had dengue fever, but didn't know it was dengue fever. I would be lying in bed the whole time, drifting in and out of sleep. And everytime I woke up, she would be there. She would ask, "want anything to drink?" and she would get me what I asked. When I woke up late at night and couldn't sleep, she stayed up with me, till I fell asleep, unfortunately sometimes it took her harder to fall back to sleep and she would be tired out the next day. But she always there for me.

I miss her scolding me, it wasn't usually loud and scary, it was often the silent treatment. And only once she ever scolded me with an action, she told me never to lie to her again. And till this day, I remember it. And I think it has helped me to a certain extent.

I miss her being there, before I sleep. I would give her a goodnight kiss, and she would give me one in return. I would say love you mum, and she would say love you too. Often a time, I would say, "mum, do you love me?" and she would say, "you know my answer." and i would say, "but still..." and she would finally reply, "of course, dear."

I miss those lovely mornings where I love to snuggle in bed on a nice cool morning, and I would call for her, and I would say..."mummy, come lie down with me." and I would just enjoy her presence there with me.

I miss those times at night, where I would say, "mum, could you put me to sleep." she would say, "how old are you lah." Then she would come anyway, sit by my bed, and I'll hold her hand, normally hugging her hand. Then she would slowly tug it away as she sensed that I was falling asleep, and I wouldn't want to let go. Then she would kiss me on the forehead and go to bed herself.

I miss having her, when she would care bout how my friends are doing. For example, she would sit me down and say, "i noticed ur friends all playing with their handphones during church, or they're not paying attention, etc. I think I must go talk to them", and I would say, "mum, please don't go talk to them, I wouldn't want it to change their friendship with me and koko. I'll talk to them." and I think through all this, our youth has learned some valuable lessons. I hope...

I miss those times when she was to go out for like wedding dinners and church and such. And she would ask me which blouse and skirt she would wear. She'd already have picked one, but she still asked me. I would pick another one, and she would say, "why? this one not nice meh?" then in the end, she would still wear the one she picked, and I would just give in.

I loved the fact that she was a very simple lady, never put on too much makeup, she used lipstick, blush and perfume the most. And it made her look natural. I loved it when she looked natural, I never approved of her being made up too much. Her natural look, made her look every so pretty. No matter how she dressed up, she always looked presentable. Just nice.

I miss her asking me to help her put on her showercap when she finished colouring her hair. I miss her asking me whether she should cut her hair. I always told her, "mum, you should cut your hair, you see ur side burns there, too long di, not nice. must cut! then you'll look much better and younger too." then when i would come from school, she would say, "notice anything different?" and I would say, "yea! you cut your hair!! nice!" and she always cut her own hair.

I remember the last real talk I had with her. I was frustrated with my dad. And I went into her room, she was almost falling asleep. I was insensitive, I ranted it all out on her. she finally said to me, "hui en, do you think mummy asked to have this sickness? do you hate me for it? I'm sorry I'm sick, I'm sorry that I can't be there." I broke down. I told her, "mummy, of course I don't hate you. I wish you didn't have this sickness. I'm scared that you'll die mum. I'm scared that you won't even make it to my 18th birthday. I'm scared that you'll leave me. I'm not even 18 yet. I'm still young!!" All this was in about October/November.

I remember going off to the mission trip to Philippines. Her condition had worsened. I think another hole had opened up. I didn't want to leave her. Plus when I was there, they said that she had been admitted again, cause she had to go for blood transfusion again. But I trusted God. And she was fine, I remember telling her through sms, that I'll pray for them both, my parents. I remember coming back, wearing my newly bought shirt from Philippines. I burst into the room, "I'm Baaaacccckkkk!! Mum, see my new shirt, is it nice?" I remember she was very happy that I went for the trip.

Then, things got worst in December, after Christmas. Then she didn't wake up anymore, she was put into a 'coma' like state. She would often groan in response to certain questions. Like when I asked to be able to keep her wedding ring.

The at 12 midnight when it was 30th of December. Before I went to sleep, I went to her ear and said, "mummy, it's my birthday today. I'm 18! Finally. I'm going to sleep now." That night, i dreamt that she said, "happy birthday, I love you." And I celebrated my birthday that day. At 11 something, I went into her room again, and told her, "mum, my birthday's almost over mum. I had a great day", then when it was midnight on the 31st. I went in for the last time, "mum, my birthday's over. I love you." That night, I dreamt she was on her dying bed, she told me, "goodbye Hui En" And when i woke up 8 hours later, I didn't have a chance to say goodbye mum.

a mood swing hit en @ 10:32 PM

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